Long time coming

Man it has been a LONG time since I wrote. A little over a year. Well a lot has happened in that year. Moving to Oakland (the coolest city), starting a new job, buying a house, and now starting another new job next week. Since moving I've had a lot of trouble finding the right balance between work and life. The gym has suffered, which is a major source of my serenity and peace of mind. My program (i'm in a 12 step program for those who don't know) has suffered as I haven't been able to make as many meetings either due to work, or exhaustion, or just the commute taking too long to get there on time. Those 2 items alone matter to me a lot.
Where I've been working is a powerhouse of design. they are at the top of their game, winning awards, getting press and just riding high. From the outside most would think I'd be a fool for leaving. I got it made here professionally. I mean my first completed project is published in 3 magazines right now.

http://www.metropolismag.com/April-2014/Noises-Off/

http://www.onofficemagazine.com/interiors/item/2767-o-a-brightens-up-capital-one-labs-hq

A recruiter contacted me about a new position a few weeks ago and I just figured why not at least check it out. Well one thing led to another and another job offer was received for a position here in the Bay Area. I decided to take it. To seek a better work/life balance. Where I am now is great but is very "start up"-ish in nature. Young ones burning the midnight oil, rolling in at 10am, staying late... yeah its not for me. I like being home and having an evening. i like my meetings and my time with Peter. I like succeeding at work too, but I don't believe in working myself to a bleeding ulcer, or working myself to exhaustion. I've done that. I've had a lot of stress in my life and worked really hard to get through it.

I'm not going to do that anymore. I'm going to go where it seems that I can do what I do well while at the same time live my life to the fullest. on to the next chapter.

Change

     I am moving to the Bay Area tomorrow. I've been in LA for 9-1/2 of the best years of my life and am leaving with a very heavy heart. A new job opportunity awaits. New friendships, a new home, new experiences. All lie ahead for me and for Peter, who has been supportive and encouraging from day 1.
     Day 1, as it were, was the day I was laid off  from my position I held for 7-1/2 years back in March. I'm not privy to all the details, but I was told that corporate told my managing principal to lay off one of the PM's due to the financial performance of the LA office. My theory is that I was the last of the PM's that was with the company prior to my supervisor starting. Everyone since who held a lateral position was brought in by her, and it boiled down to a loyalty thing. I immediately updated my resume and figuratively hit the pavement. I shot my resume off to several listings I found on Architectural websites. I got a few nibbles and in a months time I had 3 job offers. In this economy I am completely blessed in this matter and I am completely grateful for the decisions I had to make.
     One offer was from a firm in LA. One from Dallas (a firm that had approached me prior to my layoff. I had no interest in moving back to Texas but Peter encouraged me to follow through and see what happened). The third offer was from a firm in San Francisco I applied to on a whim. The LA offer was roughly the same money I had been making but shittier benefits, and boring clients. The Dallas job was more money (and a much lower cost of living along with no state income tax), and more responsibility at a larger international firm. The San Francisco offer was slightly more than Dallas for a boutique firm that garners a lot of press and accolades, and was chosen as firm of the year 2010 in Contract Magazine. Crunching the numbers with Peter, Dallas made the most sense and I accepted that position, and regretfully turned down SF. SF the very same day came back and offered me 10 grand more, plus a few other incentives, and made it impossible to say no. With some re-thinking and re-number crunching, we chose San Francisco.
     When that choice was made I think I breathed a sigh of relief. I breathed this sigh because we were staying in California. We would only be 300 some odd miles from LA where I have created this life that I never thought I would have...from the friends I never thought I would have. Friends who support me, love me, and let me love them. Friends who don't want to see me go but promise to visit. Whether they do or not, the intention is there, and that's more than I've had in my life from any friends with a few exceptions. I've never felt so much like I belong in my own life as I have here, and that's a tough thing to leave.
     With Facebook and other social media, texting, skype and everything else, it'll be easy to stay better connected and I pray that I am able to maintain my friendships in LA while at the same time fostering new ones (and some existing ones) in San Francisco where I will be working and in Oakland where I will be living.
      I've been a bit sad of late knowing I have been seeing certain friends for the last time in LA and probably for a little while until one of us travels to the other. Sad saying goodbye, or see you later. Sad feeling the long lingering hugs at the end of the night where either I or they did not want to let go.  I feel loved, and that is a priceless feeling. My friends love me. and I love them. imagine that.
     San Francisco awaits. I leave in the morning. I come back next weekend to help Peter continue to pack over the long weekend, and then that will be that.

A new  chapter begins.

Back to the Future

Time to blog again.

     I'm sitting here in the Reno Tahoe Airport with some time to kill before coming back to LA from a short work trip, and I was reading through my emails. One of the more recent ones is my itinerary to fly to Dallas in a few weeks. An opportunity has fallen in my lap for career and financial advancement that would involve a relocation to Dallas, hence the itinerary. They are flying me in for the day to interview face-to-face after a successful phone interview.
     There is LOTS to think about with this. My list so far is:
1. Would this be a good move for my career?
2. Would this be a good move for Peter?
3. Am I willing to go back to Dallas?
4. What about my friends/life in LA?
5. How easy would it be to come back to LA if it sucked?
6. What if Peter hates it there?
7. What if I hate it there?

GRRR! My mind won't shut up about it. I lived in Dallas from 93-04, so I could live there yes. Peter has never, and isn't enthusiastic about it but is willing to look at it for both my career, but also for us and if it would improve life for us, and in a year or 2, perhaps reexamine and see what it looks like and whether we want to stay or come back to LA.

I have a lot of demons in Dallas. It's where I had my last relationship. It's where I did a lot of damage. I would definitely have to confront some issues that I carry with me. That could actually turn out to be a good thing, but not something I am looking forward to. There are some financial amends, personal ones too, that would definitely need to be addressed finally.

Peter's career is primarily virtual so he can work from anywhere which is good. But if there is any in-person things, it's always been in LA or NY, so Big D isn't exactly convenient, but that's his part to consider before making any kind of decision together.... and it would be together. His life would change completely. Mine would as well yes, but I would be walking into a familiar city with a job lined up. He'd be walking into an unfamiliar city with the need to dig up some work remotely and possibly locally if it exists there for him.

I think I am afraid of opening old wounds. Afraid of seeing old places that don't have a warm place in my heart. There are some people in Dallas that I would not want to see. However there are plenty there that I would. I'm afraid of causing harm to my partners career. I'm afraid that I will be giving up a job that has been very good to me, and a city that has been very good to me filled with people that have been very good to me for a place that is filled with bad memories.

Those bad memories need to be laid to rest. It's been over 8 years since leaving and I still carry many emotions about that time in my life. Perhaps going back would help. Perhaps it would hurt...

God this is a lot to think about, and I don't even have an offer on the table...yet.

Narcissus

I was called a narcissist the other day after posting this collage i made of pictures of me.


The pictures were meant to show how I have changed over the years physically. I've worked really hard over the years, the last 8 especially, to build my muscles and try to get bigger. I've eaten a lot. I've taken supplements, I've had so many protein shakes I could crap MetRx bars. I've worked out. Hard. 4-5 times a week. With a trainer twice a week designed to help me gain weight and build.

I have a 6'-4" frame. I've been this tall since age 17. I shot up so fast in my teenage years that I would wake up with charlie horses in my legs and stretch marks on my hips. I was taller than my 5th grade teacher. My body had a really hard time keeping up with the bone growth and as a result i was rail thin. SKINNY. I was this height and weighed 175lb. Take a look at the picture in the upper left-hand corner of the collage. That's how skinny I was.

I started working out probably around age 27, three times a week and just figured it out as I went along. I actually managed to get up to 215lb or so after 2 years. I remember the first time I was going down some stairs and felt my pectorals bounce a little. lol... it was really  exciting milestone for the former beanpole.

I stopped working out when times got dark and drugs came into the picture. that derailed any physical (and mental) development and I actually lost weight and went down to 165lb, skinnier than I was in high school. That's the upper left picture where i am in the white T-shirt. I needed to clean up and get things back on track. at the end of 2004 with the help of my family, I did.

One I sobered up and got back to the business of life, the weight started coming back on...but it wasn't all good weight. Take a look at the pic in the middle row second from the left. I started getting thick in the middle. I never had that problem before and seriously had no idea what it was like to eat better. But I learned and started trying. I started seeing my friend Jeff in a professional capacity as my personal trainer, 2-3 times a week... and I just tried. I tried hard and consistently.

After several years, my weight was up. my old clothes were tight in the arms, chest and thighs, and I was apparently turning heads that I didn't know I had any power to turn. I started feeling, now and then, maybe I wasn't that tall gawky stick with the bad posture crying from being made fun of. maybe.

Photographers have shot me a lot lately (See the bottom row of the  collage). I have been so completely flattered and honored to be asked to be shot, to be published, placed on posters. It's crazy. I quite honestly don't get my appeal. That's fine. I don't have to. I find the attention EXTREMELY flattering, much undeserved, totally baffling, and honestly, really love it.

 Narcissus is describes as this:
Narcissus was a hunter from the territory of Thespiae in Boeotia who was renowned for his beauty. He was exceptionally proud, in that he disdained those who loved him.Nemesis saw this and attracted Narcissus to a pool where he saw his own reflection in the water and fell in love with it, not realizing it was merely an image. Unable to leave the beauty of his reflection, Narcissus died.

I am not in love with myself. I am not enamored with myself. I do not have an inflated sense of self. I am not self centered or self obsessed. I don't stare at myself in a mirror. I am very happy with how I look yes. For the first time in my FUCKING life, I feel good about myself, and this little shit, who I never got a good vibe from anyway, has the balls to fucking say something like that to me. I am pissed. His opinion doesn't matter, but it doesn't mean I wasn't affected by it. It cut to the core. It hit that nerve that was hit when I was made fun of for crying. When I was made fun of for being so skinny. When I was made fun of for having really long legs and a short torso. It hurt a lot.

My self esteem is in tact thanks to all this self work I have done, not only physically, but also mentally and spiritually. I was a fucked up human being and I needed help. I got it, I worked on it, and I made myself better so I could be a positive functional member of this society, and try to look damned good doing it. lol... But my self esteem is fragile. It's new and it's easily squashed and that comment though thoughtless and bitchy reaching for a laugh, really tested me.

I'm still angy but I'll get over it. I always do. If I take a picture of myself and post it, it's because I think I look cute, or cool, or stupid, or funny. It's me just having fun. Get the fuck over it and look at yourself in the mirror instead of me.

Friends

I got a nice note today from a friend who lives elsewhere asking how I was, and that I seemed a little down lately in my facebook posts. That note alone picked up my spirits. that gesture made the difference in my day. It always surprises me in both good and bad ways what one little sentence, what tiny little thought can do to a whole mindset.

I've kind of had several friendships implode lately. One I blogged about before. There have been a couple other cases - one was a deliberate built-up resentment that got thrown at me and my partner for something that we didn't even know bothered him - tardiness. Apparently it bothered him a lot. enough to not only respond to some inquiries we made about missing a bday dinner we didn't know about, to be informed we were deliberately not invited because he didn't want to have things ruined by us being late and making a big deal of it when we got there... ??? So we were not invited due to tardiness... Really? A note saying "please be on time" wouldn't work? Or since I feel I owed this friend for hosting an event for me, asking us to help set up would have been perfectly in line, and avoided the whole issue.  The sad thing, as I see it, is there were plenty of opportunities to tell us he was bothered way before it build up  into a shit brick he decided to throw at us. He has every right to invite whomever he wants to whatever he wants and is under no obligation to include me or my partner in anything....It just could have been handled differently. but to me it seems like the friendship got thrown out the window and hit us in the face.

Another friend has just drifted, which happens. People grow in different directions. I'm okay with that. It doesn't make the loss hurt less, just more understandable.

My life has always involved change. I went to a private nursery school, then public kindergarten, then Catholic 1st grade, then public 2-5th grade where i forged more permanent friendshilps. That  changes when my 6th grade was a merger of my school and 2 other elementary schools ( a function of the Lower Makefield Township school system). We then moved after 6th grade from Pennsylvania to New York and I went to another school for 7th and 8th grades. I was bullied and harassed there, and begged to go to yet another school, to which I went to a Catholic high school where everyone was new, and I finally found my group for 4 years. After graduation I went to college in upstate NY for 3 years, ended up falling in love and moving to Dallas, where I went to college another 4 years.

The reason I listed all that is to show that my whole upbringing was change, transition and moving from group to group of friends. After that I had my lovely 12 year hellhole (blog post 1) where all bets were off. After that ended and life started over, I've been searching for consistency and stability. But that still seems to elude me. For whatever reason, transition happens every few years with my friendships. We drift apart, we have a falling out, whatever... I can't help but think that this is just a continuation of a pattern that I may or may not be influencing.

I don't know. I've thought and thought about it but have no answers. All I know is that I wish I had an old friend who had been in my life for a long time. Facebook has helped re-kindle some relationships with those people I used to be around in other situations. Mostly it's done nothing, but there are a couple examples where I stay in touch and have let a new friendship start to grow. Still, I want someone who knows me from before, from earlier. who remembers things about me, not because I told them about it, but because they were there.  I don't have that.

When efforts to build something toward a longer term friendship fall apart, or gradually drift apart, it gives me that feeling in my stomach where you just found out you were fired, or some relative died. It's not good and I don't like it. I try to look at it as God weeding out the people that don't belong in my life to make room  for people that want in.

It still fucking sucks.

Thank God I have Peter. My love. the man that shows me how strong and beautiful I can be. the man that treats me like the greatest prize he's ever had (usually ;-) ) and hopefully I do the same for him. He fills the void of best friend  that I had. He's the best thing in my life, and I love him more than I thought I could ever love again. and for that I am grateful.

Drugs and Pride

A friend died recently, drug related. Wasn't a close friend, but someone I was very fond of. I am in recovery and faught my own battles in the past and when something like this happens, it makes me angry. Not at the person that died. they obviously had their personal battles they were dealing with and they dealt with them in a way that caused them to die. I don't get angry at the drug. the drugs are just innocuous substances. objects. I get angry at the gay society. Angry that the culture promotes this type of behavior...encourages this kind of behavior... they sell glass pipes in the adult stores... "PNP" has become a well known phrase....

Officially I know that this is all condemned, there are organizations, facilities and 12 step programs to help those who want it. They helped me. I wanted it. But that was not something easily realized. When I go out, I smell poppers on the dance floor, I hear snorts around me. I see the meth zombies and the ecstasy glaze. Sure it can be fun. It was for me for a while... but the fun ends. the party ends. Lives end.

I'm sad, of course, for my friend. 39 year old MBA - dead. I have an ex boyfriend, a successful Doctor - Dead. My first relationship - Dead.

That's not normal. Not since the AIDS apocalypse have so many of our gay brothers been dropping dead left and right....

whatever it is - internalized homophobia, self loathing, depression...all this "partying" has its roots in some psychological condition that we as a culture do not talk about. I have a friend that is constantly waffling between entusiastic joy and desperate paranoid sadness. Drugs. The joy is the second half of the week and the weekend. The sadness is Mon through Wednesday.

Why can't this be adressed on a larger level? I know plenty of people that have stopped, that are better, and that are trying to make things the way they should be both in life and in their head. i'm one of them. But these are stand alone, statistically low examples.

Why do gays want to destroy themselves? Where's the "pride"? Pride festivals to me seem like excuses for people to get fucked up, and for vendors to sell shit. It's a drunken flea market that I don't attend. I WISH it was a solemn, politically and socially minded rally, with speaches and topics... Not Molly Ringwold on a float promoting a Lifetime movie where she plays a lesbian (which was the case for the latest Pride in West Hollywood). I want to see Dan Choi. Hell it's LA, I want to see the star of the Big Bank Theory, Neil Patrick Harris or Zack Quinto or hell, ONE GAY CELEB in this town SHOW HIS FACE for the cause not just fucking do a photo spread for People Magazine with his partner and their newly surrogated or adopted babies trying to show how fucking NORMAL gays are.

SHOW how angry we are. Show how serious we are. Show how unique we are. REALIZE how sick we are to constantly self destruct.and eat our own.

I'm a happy man with a happy life and an amazing partner now. I donate to Planned Parenthood and my local NPR station. I went to the Occupy LA camp to listen to their message. I used to volunteer for a PWA group when everyone was dropping like flies from AIDS. I genuinely am proud to be a gay man. Proud to have overcome my own demons and adversity. Pround of who I am.

This drug problem in our community rips all that away. It shows that deep down we don't approve of who we are. That we want to destroy ourselves. Where's the pride in that.

Sorry this post is all over the place, I just decided to write and see what came out without any narrative in mind. Comment if you agree. Comment if you disagree. Thanks for indulging me and reading my rant.

Chris

Intentions Be Damned

I started to write about a friendship that went south a couple days ago. I laid out blow by blow details and even changed the names to protect those involved. I had my longest blog entry to date and with 2 clicks I accidentally closed the window and hadn't saved a word.

I was pissed for a minute then the more i thought about it the more i realized this was, without trying to sound too grand, god doing for me what i wasn't doing for myself. I'm not the kind of person to air dirty laundry, and i was about to do just that. Happily in hindsight, i'm glad i didn't.

My world is mine to absorb, process, enjoy, unravel, and navigate. I choose to let people into it and to let them know certain things. Those closest to me know most things. those furthest (who actually still know who I am) know only what they happen to perceive. Sometimes what they perceive is what I intend, but sometimes what is perceived is no where close to who i am or what I think I am showing people, and that's where the trouble arises.

I recently was perceived by a friend to be making moves toward his boyfriend. I was also recently perceived to be and called "a party boy on a downward spiral who retreats to the ghetto" or something to that effect. I was also perceived as someone being duplicitous with those around me. Now to clarify the first one, i did flirt with a friend boyfriend, after that boyfriend flirted with me and told me it was ok and that my friend was cool with it. As for the second, well that was the result of a facebook political debate I foolishly decided to throw my two cents into and proceeded to get ripped apart by anyone who chimed in and had all my opinions dismissed and insulted.

Good times.

All of this has lead me to analyze my side of the street. To look at my own actions and see what I could have done differently. After all, that's all I could have controlled. With regard to the "friend", I could have not flirted with his boyfriend. But he's also the one who would run and talk to my partner about anything I did that he thought my partner might not no about and he felt should know... I ended up writing a lengthy letter (as opposed to a phone call where I knew I would get flustered, and say something I regret rather than what I had intended to say), basically severing the friendship, citing 3 very specific reasons, one being that my partner knows everything this friend did and then some, long before he ever did.  that's the nice thing about honesty in relationships - you tell each other a lot. I realized that he was seeing a person that didn't exist. he was seeing who he had already decided I was based on .... I have no idea what. And that's not the kind of  friend I want to have.

With regard to the political debate, I unfriended the prick. Done. I never met him in person anyway.

So in looking at my side of the street, I've realized that my actions don't always convey my intentions. Though my intentions may be innocent or innocuous in my mind, they affect others in ways I couldn't even think of ahead of time. People are going to see what they want to see, intentions be damned. The best I can do is be myself. If I am misunderstood, then the best I can do is try to help the person understand, if they are willing to hear it. If they're not, like in the case of my "friend" I had to let go, then it's their loss, but it's my lesson. A lesson that I'll probably have to be reminded of again in the future.