The pictures were meant to show how I have changed over the years physically. I've worked really hard over the years, the last 8 especially, to build my muscles and try to get bigger. I've eaten a lot. I've taken supplements, I've had so many protein shakes I could crap MetRx bars. I've worked out. Hard. 4-5 times a week. With a trainer twice a week designed to help me gain weight and build.
I have a 6'-4" frame. I've been this tall since age 17. I shot up so fast in my teenage years that I would wake up with charlie horses in my legs and stretch marks on my hips. I was taller than my 5th grade teacher. My body had a really hard time keeping up with the bone growth and as a result i was rail thin. SKINNY. I was this height and weighed 175lb. Take a look at the picture in the upper left-hand corner of the collage. That's how skinny I was.
I started working out probably around age 27, three times a week and just figured it out as I went along. I actually managed to get up to 215lb or so after 2 years. I remember the first time I was going down some stairs and felt my pectorals bounce a little. lol... it was really exciting milestone for the former beanpole.
I stopped working out when times got dark and drugs came into the picture. that derailed any physical (and mental) development and I actually lost weight and went down to 165lb, skinnier than I was in high school. That's the upper left picture where i am in the white T-shirt. I needed to clean up and get things back on track. at the end of 2004 with the help of my family, I did.
One I sobered up and got back to the business of life, the weight started coming back on...but it wasn't all good weight. Take a look at the pic in the middle row second from the left. I started getting thick in the middle. I never had that problem before and seriously had no idea what it was like to eat better. But I learned and started trying. I started seeing my friend Jeff in a professional capacity as my personal trainer, 2-3 times a week... and I just tried. I tried hard and consistently.
After several years, my weight was up. my old clothes were tight in the arms, chest and thighs, and I was apparently turning heads that I didn't know I had any power to turn. I started feeling, now and then, maybe I wasn't that tall gawky stick with the bad posture crying from being made fun of. maybe.
Photographers have shot me a lot lately (See the bottom row of the collage). I have been so completely flattered and honored to be asked to be shot, to be published, placed on posters. It's crazy. I quite honestly don't get my appeal. That's fine. I don't have to. I find the attention EXTREMELY flattering, much undeserved, totally baffling, and honestly, really love it.
Narcissus is describes as this:Narcissus was a hunter from the territory of Thespiae in Boeotia who was renowned for his beauty. He was exceptionally proud, in that he disdained those who loved him.Nemesis saw this and attracted Narcissus to a pool where he saw his own reflection in the water and fell in love with it, not realizing it was merely an image. Unable to leave the beauty of his reflection, Narcissus died.
I am not in love with myself. I am not enamored with myself. I do not have an inflated sense of self. I am not self centered or self obsessed. I don't stare at myself in a mirror. I am very happy with how I look yes. For the first time in my FUCKING life, I feel good about myself, and this little shit, who I never got a good vibe from anyway, has the balls to fucking say something like that to me. I am pissed. His opinion doesn't matter, but it doesn't mean I wasn't affected by it. It cut to the core. It hit that nerve that was hit when I was made fun of for crying. When I was made fun of for being so skinny. When I was made fun of for having really long legs and a short torso. It hurt a lot.
My self esteem is in tact thanks to all this self work I have done, not only physically, but also mentally and spiritually. I was a fucked up human being and I needed help. I got it, I worked on it, and I made myself better so I could be a positive functional member of this society, and try to look damned good doing it. lol... But my self esteem is fragile. It's new and it's easily squashed and that comment though thoughtless and bitchy reaching for a laugh, really tested me.
I'm still angy but I'll get over it. I always do. If I take a picture of myself and post it, it's because I think I look cute, or cool, or stupid, or funny. It's me just having fun. Get the fuck over it and look at yourself in the mirror instead of me.
