Friendship Evolution

It took me a long-ass time to stop chasing after relationships with people. I would "target" certain people that I wanted to be friends with, or I would cling to friendships that had drifted, and pursue them, thinking that eventually the relationship would be established or saved. Here's the thing - if I was chasing a relationship, that means whoever I was chasing was running away from me, not toward me. Once I started seeing it that way, it wasn't worth pursuing those people.

I learned the hard way when a friendship/roommate I had had for 3 years just seemed to stop and I couldn't understand why. They just moved on, and now I rarely speak to that person. I was really really hurt by this. it's not like anything had changed, or I had done something to end it. It just stopped. Something clicked in this person's head and he stopped wanting to be my friend. In a weird way I was devastated, in a tangible way I was pissed. But there wasn't anything to be done, but move on.

It's interesting now when I look at this person and see who he chooses to surround himself with, and just the level of himself he puts out there, I don't want to be his friend. He's not someone I have any further interest in knowing. He doesn't like anything that I like, and his friends are not my friends. He served his purpose in my life and now that part is done. I served my purpose in his, whatever that might have been for him.

It was on my 36th birthday when I realized how to see who my  real friends were. My relatively new boyfriend (now my partner) helped point this out when I was having one of my "i don't have any good friends" moments. He pointed out who was showing up for me, and who wasn't. He said I should pay attention to the people that show up, whether it is for something light or something heavy, for fun or for comfort. See who listens. See who is interested. Not who is interesting. Whomever is interested is someone who wants to be closer, and THEY are worth the effort.

I started doing this and the friendship filter turned on. My "picker" wasn't broken anymore. I could see who was someone I wanted in my life easier. Some people never, and I mean NEVER asked me anything about me, they would just go on and on about them and their day and their problems and their concerns, and that's fine. Doesn't mean I don't like them, it just means I'm not investing time in that person as a serious friend.

I don't have this pressing need to be heard mind you (despite the fact that I am now "a blogger"). I actually don't like talking about myself all that much. But when I do need to talk about myself or something going on, I want to know who I can call who will call back. Through trial and error over the years I've figured that out. And over time it'll need to be figured out again. I don't know who will move on. I don't know if I'll move on. People evolve. Lives and priorities change. Friendships end gradually most of the time, not suddenly, and it's not personal, it's normal.And  normal can hurt.

 I don't think of myself as a particularly good friend. I think I'm alright. I do know what I am good at though, and that's listening to the ones that need me to. I absolutely love it. Love It. when people feel they  can trust me. I don't gossip. I don't violate a confidence or a trust. Their information is not mine to spread. I try to be the friend I want. And with careful scrutiny and a listening eye, those are the friendships I now have. And I'm grateful.