...And the walls come crumbling down...or not

    So every now and then I feel like all the plates I am spinning are going to crash down, everything I've worked so hard for will crumble and everyone I love will leave. Common I'm sure.
    I'm not sure why I feel this way about my very platform of a life. I'm sure there's some deeply rooted, blame your mother (I love you Mom!), inner child reason for it but I am not actually interested in figuring out the cause of the impending doom I feel. I'm more interested in trying to frame it in such a way that it becomes my motivator. My motivator to be a great employee, to be an amazing partner, to get into better shape, to be a good soul.
    Maybe there's some internalized homophobia? I don't think I believe this but I hear a lot of people in my "self help group" reference this, but I don't think they necessarily know what they are talking about. being gay has never  been a problem actively on my conscious mind, but that doesn't mean there isn't some crap at play in the background. It's probably bigger than that. An overall inadequacy or lack of self esteem. I've fought hard to work against this despite the feeling inside and my head has followed some...but not all the way. I don't think it'll ever follow completely.
    I think why I feel this way is because there is so much I have to lose now and for some reason I don't think it should be mine. My career is taking off(I have them all fooled). My relationship is rock solid (I have him fooled too. ssshhhhhh). I have a good life (I don't deserve it)..... and on and on (just you wait. the worst is yet to come).
  My head tells me at work I'm a total hack, I'm flying by the seat of my pants, I'm disorganized, I'm forgetting something.... and as soon as a minor oops or slight fuck up happens, the walls come crumbling, I sweat lightly all day, I stress, I want a cigarette even though I quit 6 years ago, and I'm afraid everyone is watching and waiting for the worst to happen, for us to lose the client, then something happens...oh...i made my deadline.... huh...the client's happy and renewed their contract...interesting...i got a promotion.... well...just wait...they'll discover just how terrible you are at faking it all and you'll be gone. Eventually I KNOW that'll happen...I hate my head sometimes. ]
     The trouble with one's head is one can't turn it off. I HAVE to hear it. there's no volume switch. But I can try to choose to not believe it, and if I can't not believe it, then I have stress... and I have that - a lot lately actually. But you know what? I survive the day. I don't get eaten. I don't get fired (anymore), I don't get laughed out of a meeting. I don't get anything but the opportunity to do it all again the next day.  My head will always tell me what my worst insecurities are and quickly apply them to any given situation. The nice thing is that no one can hear inside my head but me, so no one else has to know. And as long as my actions reveal my intent, and not my head? then I'm alright.
I want to have the confidence to know I'm doing good. Instead of listening to my head and it's lies, and they are lies, I need to look around me. I have a loving partner who adores me - even though he gives me a hard time and chides me for how goofy and neurotic I can be, he still greets me in the morning with a smile and knowingly rubs his arm against mine in his subtle way to let me know he's there and he knows me. I look at work and I am given large clients with portfolios of work. I'm left to manage my projects as I see fit and ensure they run properly and remain in the black because they trust me. I read and listen to what my friends who are active in my daily life say to me and I know I'm doing good. I know I am as good a friend as I can possibly be...and if I am not, then I know to say I'm not to them so they can know where I'm at and be a friend to me.
    I'm a good person (yes you are), I work hard (and it shows), I love and I know that I am loved. What an amazing feeling.

oh don't worry, it'll all come crashing down.... or not. What if it doesn't?