Stress

okay so this time I decided to sit down and write without any topic in mind or any point to make.

I did want to tell on myself last week when I kind of lost it at work a little bit. Stress got the best of me. I fucked up a little. I was very  VERY short tempered with a client on the phone. I nearly cried in front of my boss... stress sucks. It was one of those weeks where i felt like I was dancing as fast as i can and nothing was good enough. I was staying late, i was doing what needed to be done next, then I would realize 3 other things also had to be done before this one thing that urgently needed to be done. I literally was pulling out a few eyebrow hairs. It sucked. I got a migraine on Saturday when the week was all said and done, and my lip broke out in a fever blister.... it did give me some really angry energetic workouts though, so that's one plus.

what i realized i have to do in times like this is literally just breathe and take a step back. it's hard when all my electronic devices are beeping, phone is ringing, people are IM'ing me questions and the requests for whatever else might come in.... it can be a bit of a "calgon take me away" thing. So breathe. step back. take a break, walk around, separate from the intensity.

stop reacting.

i just need to add it onto the list. sort the list out later. get it on the list. I hate this. I hate stress. stress makes me do a bad job. whether at work or personally. Stress makes me lose focus. my brain gets cluttered. then i seek distraction. I look on facebook. I look at dirty pictures. if i was home I'd take a nap or watch TV. Follow any of those choices with a "What the fuck are you doing?" moment and it's back to the panicked reacting.

distractions don't work. they divert. they  delay the inevitable. they hid the problem. I learned that about drugs and alcohol. they don't help. they hide. they don't clear it up. they complicate. same thing with the Internet, sleep, Project Runway, The Walking Dead, Spartacus (soooooo worth the subscription to Starz)... they all keep me from my responsibility and delay what needs to get done.

once i accept whatever it is i have to do and stop fighting it by reacting, panicking, melting down and beating myself up, i start thinking again. I manage to prioritize. i tackle things in an order so that I can check the fuckers off my list. I can measure and see how far I've gone. Lists are my salvation when it comes to this shit, because my memory sure as hell isn't. It fails me regularly and I know it.

so i don't know. stress is a fucking pain in the ass. but it happens. once i identify it as the cluster fuck it is in the moment, i can deal with it, work it out and do what has to be done.

now if only emotions, family and relationships were so black and white...