A friend died recently, drug related. Wasn't a close friend, but someone I was very fond of. I am in recovery and faught my own battles in the past and when something like this happens, it makes me angry. Not at the person that died. they obviously had their personal battles they were dealing with and they dealt with them in a way that caused them to die. I don't get angry at the drug. the drugs are just innocuous substances. objects. I get angry at the gay society. Angry that the culture promotes this type of behavior...encourages this kind of behavior... they sell glass pipes in the adult stores... "PNP" has become a well known phrase....
Officially I know that this is all condemned, there are organizations, facilities and 12 step programs to help those who want it. They helped me. I wanted it. But that was not something easily realized. When I go out, I smell poppers on the dance floor, I hear snorts around me. I see the meth zombies and the ecstasy glaze. Sure it can be fun. It was for me for a while... but the fun ends. the party ends. Lives end.
I'm sad, of course, for my friend. 39 year old MBA - dead. I have an ex boyfriend, a successful Doctor - Dead. My first relationship - Dead.
That's not normal. Not since the AIDS apocalypse have so many of our gay brothers been dropping dead left and right....
whatever it is - internalized homophobia, self loathing, depression...all this "partying" has its roots in some psychological condition that we as a culture do not talk about. I have a friend that is constantly waffling between entusiastic joy and desperate paranoid sadness. Drugs. The joy is the second half of the week and the weekend. The sadness is Mon through Wednesday.
Why can't this be adressed on a larger level? I know plenty of people that have stopped, that are better, and that are trying to make things the way they should be both in life and in their head. i'm one of them. But these are stand alone, statistically low examples.
Why do gays want to destroy themselves? Where's the "pride"? Pride festivals to me seem like excuses for people to get fucked up, and for vendors to sell shit. It's a drunken flea market that I don't attend. I WISH it was a solemn, politically and socially minded rally, with speaches and topics... Not Molly Ringwold on a float promoting a Lifetime movie where she plays a lesbian (which was the case for the latest Pride in West Hollywood). I want to see Dan Choi. Hell it's LA, I want to see the star of the Big Bank Theory, Neil Patrick Harris or Zack Quinto or hell, ONE GAY CELEB in this town SHOW HIS FACE for the cause not just fucking do a photo spread for People Magazine with his partner and their newly surrogated or adopted babies trying to show how fucking NORMAL gays are.
SHOW how angry we are. Show how serious we are. Show how unique we are. REALIZE how sick we are to constantly self destruct.and eat our own.
I'm a happy man with a happy life and an amazing partner now. I donate to Planned Parenthood and my local NPR station. I went to the Occupy LA camp to listen to their message. I used to volunteer for a PWA group when everyone was dropping like flies from AIDS. I genuinely am proud to be a gay man. Proud to have overcome my own demons and adversity. Pround of who I am.
This drug problem in our community rips all that away. It shows that deep down we don't approve of who we are. That we want to destroy ourselves. Where's the pride in that.
Sorry this post is all over the place, I just decided to write and see what came out without any narrative in mind. Comment if you agree. Comment if you disagree. Thanks for indulging me and reading my rant.
Chris
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