Fear and Loathing

First and foremost, thank you everyone who has emailed and spoken to me in person with such positive feedback for this young blog. It really means a lot to me...

Which opens the door to what I am writing about tonight...FEAR! I'm out to prove to myself the old quote "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself", and I must say that I think that ol' Franklin Roosevelt knew what he was talking about.

Back when I first moved to LA, I was ready to start over. I came out here to clean up my act and begin a new life. I had lived in fear for so many years. Fear of success, fear of failure, fear of risk-taking, fear of crowds, fear of the "hot" guys I would see (they'd never be interested in me), fear of change, fear of things staying the same...Fear of all things that involved me choosing, deciding, being accountable for my own life. I was afraid of my own decisions, my own taste. I was convinced that my ideas were bad ones, my choices were the wrong ones, and my decisions would only lead me to more problems... I got really fucking sick of myself.

So with a new setting, a new clear-headed mindset with the drink and other activities removed from my life, I started over with the determination to not make any fear-based decisions anymore. To take contrary action to what my fear was telling me. To recognize that fear is a feeling. It's not a fact. It's a sensation based entirely on expectation and not at all in the tangible, logical world.

My first set of fears was in making friends. who would want to know me? what do I bring to the table? they won't be interested in anything I have to say.... all things my head would plug into the back of my mind when I would enter a room full of possibilities. I was sad, insecure and full of self doubt. I'm ugly, I'm boring, I'm a bad person. I'm skinny. I'm naive. I'm gross. I'm too tall. I'm bad i'm bad i'm bad.... I'm... I'm not listening is what I'm doing.   I learned not to turn the self doubt off. It's actually still there. A lot, and flares up like a bad rash now and then...But I forced myself to ignore it. To ignore that twisted nervous feeling in my stomach.

I started playing the scenario forward. OK, so whats the worst that could happen if you went up and said hello? Chances are they won't point and laugh. They'll probably say hello back. AAAAAAHHHHH! Be AFRAID!!!! Ok. whew. So they say hello back..then what???!? I know, I'll say "I'm Chris" and stick out my hand, then say "Whats your name?"... and guess what? A conversation will start. It might be great. I might be awkward as hell... It might end there with them rudely turning around... ok so there. done. even if they  turn around and ignore me from then on, how bad would that be?  Was I injured? OK insulted a little maybe, but they're a stranger. It's not like my mother turned her back on me. THAT would hurt...Luckily she's a nice lady.

So I started with this basic approach of asking myself to picture the worst case reality-based scenario, and could I handle it?  Most of the time the answer was yes, especially when it applied to social fears. Most people I found WANT to be known. They want people to be curious about them. They want people to ask them about them. I mean think about it - if someone came up to you and asked about you, your day, what you like, your job, your hobbies, whatever... That's kind of nice right? Most people I have found are willing to talk when it's about them. So I started listening. I started knowing. I started learning. I started hearing ideas. And then the weirdest thing started to happen... they started asking me questions back. It was weird and uncomfortable, but at the same time it's what I wanted....here come the voices again - what if they don't like what I say? what if  they think i'm dumb? what if i have food in my teeth? what if  what if what if what if??? what the fuck? So I said fuck it. just talk. IF they don't want to listen, they can end it. And I actually started developing friendships based on this approach.

I purposely set out to introduce myself to people I was attracted to whether it was sexual, intellectual, emotional or spiritual. If they had a quality I liked, I would try to find a way to meet them. I was at a party once and there was this HUGELY muscular guy sitting there at a table with someone i knew. I was nervous as hell to talk to him. I was scared actually because he looked mean. But I sat down and my friend and I started chatting. At some point  I mentioned someone that happened to be this big guy's ex, and he chimed in, and we started conversing...He was going through a tough time, was all torn up from a messy druggy break up with someone, and was just trying to sort it all and himself out. We exchanged numbers and he actually called me the next day to thank me for the chat. I was floored. That was seven years ago and today that guy is one of my best friends in the world. We see each other at least twice a week, we have travelled together, I've been to a memorial he had for is sister who passed away, he's been to my birthdays and listened to me when all I wanted was someone to hug. I never would have had this friendship if I had let the fearful voice in my head stop me from sitting at that table that one night. I never would have known the great times, good talks and just love I feel from that man, and he from me. (Shameless plug: That man also kicks my ass in the gym 2-3x a week as a personal trainer and is largely responsible for helping me change my physique over the last 7 years - Total Precison Fitness )

Fear sucks the life out of me if I let it. Fear kills any curiosity and fuels my depression. Fear I've learned serves absolutely no purpose whatsoever. NONE. If i'm threatened, I try to take action. I don't sit and quiver and cry anymore. I did that for years and guess what? Not once did it ever work. Action works. Action brings movement. Curiosity brings revelation. Revelation brings knowledge.

We have nothing to fear but fear itself... Fuck fear.