Body Issues, Photo Shoots and Fessing Up

From the Michael Alago shoot

BODY ISSUES, PHOTO SHOOTS & FESSING UP:

    I've been getting a lot of "press" lately. It started when Peter and I went to Folsom last September in San Francisco. A few weeks before I had seen a post by a photographer I like, named Michael Alago, on Facebook saying he was looking for reds / gingers to photograph. I sent him a note and a picture just to see if he'd be interested and if I could get some validation, and he responded asking for more pictures, so I sent a few more. We struck up a nice conversation and it turned out he was also going to be at the Folsom street fair, so we decided to meet for a short minute at the fair and take some quick pictures.  Now I'm not by any means in the kind of shape most of his models are. If anyone reading this is familiar with the "Rough Gods" page on Facebook, you can see what I'm talking about.  I mean I'm in good shape (after MANY years of hard work... I'll get to that), but not to my ideal (are we ever?).

From the  Boots Bryant Shoot

A few of those pictures  were posted on his 60,000-fans-and-growing "Rough Gods" facebook page. Much to my low-self esteem's surprise, it got some colorful comments and a lot of "likes". Ego stroked. Monitoring of "likes" and comments ensues.  I posted a few on my facebook page to try to stroke my ego some more and get more comments, which I did.

I kind of got a little addicted to the attention (surprise) and took up 2 offers from other photographers that had been made. One from a man who professionally goes by the name Boots Bryant. Boots likes masks and asked me to take a few pics with various masks and things like straight jackets, CPAP sleep apnea masks and knives. It was a lot of fun, different and i did it just to do it. (He also took an amazing picture of my butt that I haven't posted anywhere. :-) )...

From the Mark Flanders shoot

I then remembered I was referred to a photographer named Mark Flanders by a guy I new from the gym, who thought Mark would like to shoot me so I reached out and we did a shoot. His work was more doctored in that he liked to alter and manipulate the backgrounds, exaggerate my physique and just have some fun with it. We met at a loft and had a fun shoot and laughed a lot while his friends were there drinking and gaming, looking at me half naked posing for pictures. I had fun, and the pictures turned out kind of cool and I made a nice new friend out of the deal.

From the Jeremy Lucido shoot

I was chatting online with a guy a few months later, Jeremy Lucido, who turned out to be a photographer. I mentioned my recent shoots and sent him a few of the pics from my previous shoots, kind of fishing... He then asked if I would do a shoot for him because he was doing a Leather Issue to his magazine, Starrfucker, and thought I'd be a good fit. Again, being a little drunk on all the flattery and attention, I said yes. I worked out hard leading up to it.We did the shoot in his loft  downtown of me in leather gear trying to look mean or sly...not sure if I pulled that off but it seemed to go well and Jeremy said the pics came out great. He emailed me one shortly after that and I was really stoked. I thought it was a great pic, so I quickly sent it to a good friend because I wanted him to see. He loved the pic so much he asked if he could contact the photographer to use one of the pictures for a promotional night club event he was doing.

I put them in touch with each other and got excited to see the result. John, my friend sent me the mock up of the banner he was using my image for. He said there would be several banners and this was one of them. So excited for the attention I really got excited for the event to roll around. When it did, there were 2 posters, both with me at the entrance to the club. I thought "I wonder why I'm on both of them and not one of the other guys he's using". We walked in and BOOM! ME ME ME ME EVERYWHERE ME! People coming up to me, attention attention attention! Across the room, the was a fifteen foot tall ME lording over the dance floor... There were no other guys on the banners or posters. It was me... and suddenly I was very uncomfortable. VERY, and told Peter that I'd be happy to leave at any time. I had gotten all this attention I quietly and discreetly sought out. I can't lie, for a while it was intoxicating and ego inflating to no end. I loved it. I still do kind of. But this evening proved to be too much. We went out to the patio and sat there eating food off the taco truck having nice quiet conversations for a while before we left.

Now I want to point out WHY I sought the attention. I've been 6'4" tall since high school. I shot up so fast that I would wake up with leg cramps in the middle of the night. Growing up I was skin and bones. My frame grew faster than any other part of me. When I graduated high school I was 165lb. I started working out in my 20s and got up to 220lb. Then I lost it all again to to some excessive "partying" shall we say, and not going to the gym anymore. At 32 I was back to 165lb.

I'm 40 now. I've been going to the gym solidly for 8 years. Working with a trainer for 6 to push and push and push myself to get over my insecurities. To not be afraid to take my shirt off. To not think when people look at me they are looking because I am a freak. I wanted to be secure in how I looked. I didn't want to be "pretty" or "popular" or anything like that. I wanted to be comfortable in my own skin.  All these photo sessions, all this attention - it all helped me reach a point where I don't have to listen to those insecure voices in my head. I can still hear them, and trust me they are still there, but I don't have to give them any weight.  The only time I really listen to them is when I don't want to go to the gym. THEN I listen and boy do I get motivated.

I will always be that beanpole klutz that I was when I was young, on the inside anyway. I'll hear complements and want to believe them but won't. It's fine. I think if I started to believe them, I'd turn in to a complete asshole. I like who I am, and recently I like what I look like...even though I don't always believe what I see in the pictures...except this one taken when I was 17:

(Ignore the hair. it was the 80's.)